Growing up, my impression of marriage was somber. I came up in West Phoenix, which was overwhelmingly working class, brown, and divorced.
My single mother, brother, and I fit right in.
Was it a thing, I wondered, for a married couple to stay together in eternal bliss?
How do we, the next generation of bliss-seekers, keep marriage joyful?
When I dug into the data on marital satisfaction, I discovered that romance/marriage has stages. Each stage has its own vibe, if you will, with different keys to success.
What’s more, the various stages have typical levels of happiness, as reported by survey data and meta-analyses.
The chart looks like this:
Turned out I was asking the wrong question. Instead of “can marriage be happy?”, I needed to ask “when is marriage happy?”….and why?
Disclaimer: The stages and the happiness levels vary widely. Some timelines won’t resonate with you, maybe because you dated for a decade or played house for a long time. (Shit or get off the pot, bruh.) While the stage dynamics apply to most of us, the details are averages. Translation: Just go with it.*text box*
That said, let’s learn why these patterns emerge and what we can do to make ours last.
The Filter Stage (Years 0-2)
Dating is bumpy. But after the jungle of awkward dates and physical flings, you reach an upswell of joy because that person comes along. (You’re right, the flings were pretty awesome too.)
That joy has a source, which we call love. This marks the start of the filter stage, where nothing you see is completely true to life. This lasts between 6 months and 2 years.
You like someone. They like you back. The sex is young and (relatively) photogenic. You get the feels, which is exciting and happy.
Now we’re here on the chart:
To thicken the love plot, let’s see what’s happening in your brain:
- Your partner is like a drug. (No, really.) Your feelings stem from spikes in dopamine, phenylethylamine, and serotonin. This cocktail bears a striking resemblance to cocaine, only your lips are chapped instead of numb.
- There’s also a shut-down of the pre-frontal cortex, the brain region responsible for judgment and decision-making. This leads to “the suspension of negative judgment.”
Basically, your brain sets your loins ablaze while extinguishing logic. Tell me that’s not a perfect summary of falling in love.
The good:
This leads to what I call the morning hotty effect, meaning your judgment is so annihilated that your love interest looks good at 6 AM…
and the cat that shit in their mouth is sooo adorable…
and they couldn’t possibly be guilty of night farts.
The bad:
Love cuts both ways. It’s a time of extreme attachment, but also rejection anxiety. Thus this phase is also full of rejection avoidance and “best of you” behavior.
Putting forth the best of you sounds good. But it can lead to dishonesty, especially on potential deal-breakers. Some people go from “best of me” to “not me” to avoid rejection.
My wife was so good at the “best of you” part that I had no clue who she was until baby #1 was on the way. (I learned.)
Reality Check Stage (AKA I guess you’ll do; Years 2-4)
Like the Molly in college, the love drugs wear off—and leave you with a slight hangover.
Enter the next 2-year phase, the reality check stage. Some experts refer to it as the early attachment stage, because of the brain regions that kick in.
Now we’re here on the chart:
Here’s what’s happening:
- The euphoria of the reward cycle starts to fade out and the pre-frontal cortex starts to yank back the steering wheel.
- Activity in the ventral pallidum starts to tick up. This brain region is responsible for feelings of attachment, dialing up hormones like vasopressin and oxytocin.
The good:
As this happens, you slowly become less obsessed with your partner and more capable of getting to work on time.
You also start to see their idiosyncrasies differently. So you’ve now gone from “awww, I love our conversations!” to “OMG, STFU, WYSOWM!” (Email me with what the last one means and I’ll give you a prize.)
This lets you make better judgments about long-term compatibility.
The bad:
It’s not uncommon for disenchantment to bubble up, making this the make-or-break stage for young relationships.
If you make it to the end, you’re pretty committed. This is when your mom, grandma, all of your aunts, and your gay uncle repeatedly ask when you’re getting married.
Believing that gay uncles know best, you start to think it’s a good idea, get a ring, and dive into the marriage pool.
The Negotiation Stage (AKA Early marriage; Years 5-8)
Now that you’re the victor of the quarter quell, the real work begins: the negotiation stage.
This is also where marital satisfaction and happiness commonly take a dive. This is why it is also called the crisis stage or the power struggle stage.
We’re now here on the chart:
Early marriage has unique challenges. Communication issues, tolerating differences, accepting that your spouse is never going to crossfit with you again, etc. (What, you couldn’t tell they hated it?)
Sprinkle on the boredom joy of monogamy, add a dash of colicky adorable baby, and, bam, you have a marriage.
- One neuroimaging study noted that the nucleus accumbens is more active during and after conflict resolution. This means the brain’s reward system is telling us to keep our better half happy.
- A meta-analysis found that cognitive reappraisal (re-interpreting your partner’s quirks and foibles) activated the pre-frontal cortex. This helps with self-control and conflict resolution.
- The same meta-analysis found that reappraisal helped quiet the amygdala, which is directly responsible for threat perception.
Children cut both ways. (Shocked?) There’s usually a happiness bump after a baby arrives. Then post-partum gets real. Couples who manage conflict well co-parent better. The rest argue over whose turn it is at 3 AM.
The good:
Happy couples keep their calm and view their spouses positively. Their prefrontal cortexes are more active, allowing them to regulate their emotions and step back from conflicts.
If you can do that (no biggie) the negotiation stage will be constructive and cooperative. Fortunately, with a shit ton of little work you can develop these skills. (Cue the therapy bills.)
The bad:
Many couples are primed for conflict, making the negotiation stage harder. This is due to an overactive amygdala during conflict, which leads to escalation.
Takeaway: Ladies, next time you see a guy with a big amygdala, walk away—after hooking up with him a few times.
The Barry Manilow Stage (AKA Looks like we made it. Years 9-15)
Couples that survive the negotiation stage typically see a bump in happiness during what I call the Barry Manilow stage.
Now we’re here on the chart:
This part goes by different names, all of which have their own merit. Some call it the stability stage. Others call it the deep attachment stage.
Competing monikers aside, there’s a consistent theme of calmness and security. (Where are these people??? If you’re one, email me NOW for a prize.)
- If you get here and feel the happiness spike, it’s likely that you’ve achieved neural synchrony. This means your prefrontal cortexes are seriously vibing each other.
- If your anterior cingulate cortexes also synchronize, its stability-palooza.
The good:
By this time, you truly get your spouse and accept that sex is a triumph of wills. (I hear scheduling it helps. Nothing says yowza like “INTERCOURSE” on Google calendar.)
Jokes aside, there’s a lot to celebrate here.
Couples in the stability stage report mutual feelings of deep attachment. This is especially true for couples who share core values, prioritize intimacy, and pursue novelty.
A key factor is expectations. Couples seem to know what to expect from each other. This gives them high expectations for their future, a strong predictor of marital satisfaction.
The bad:
This is often where life gets heated, with kids reaching tough ages. Money can also become a strain on relationships. Couples who aren’t aligned suffer.
There’s a theme about adaptation here. Those who can adapt to the new realities do okay. Those who don’t, well—at least the house has appreciated a bit.
The Plateau Stage (AKA why aren’t you dead yet? Years 16+)
Things have gotten better, but the hot air balloon can only go so high. Dropping those sandbags isn’t gonna do much. (Is that even how hot air balloons work?)
But if things are good, keeping it level isn’t bad.
We’re now at the end of the chart:
- A few factors are important at this stage: being less critical, more tolerant, emotionally expressive, and mutually supportive. (Somebody’s gotta drop you off at that colonoscopy.)
- Thriving couples show lasting activity in the reward pathway, especially the ventral tegmental area and dorsal striatum. This means, to some extent, they’re still motivating each other and getting the feels. (Cute.)
- Maintaining neural synchrony is still important, maybe more.
- Being social together and continuing to have new experiences is also critical.
- Oh yeah, and don’t be poor.
The good:
If you get to the plateau stage, you’re more likely to be satisfied with your marriage than unhappy with it. This has a direct impact on overall happiness.
What else do you need?
The bad:
People can change or get bored.
Again, the ideas of novelty and core values are critical. Couples who don’t change together, tend to grow apart. And it’s very easy for “stable” to become mundane, even insufferable.
The “grey divorce” phenomenon, where older couples are divorcing at higher rates, exists for a reason.
Conclusion
Romance is a complex, Janus-faced part of the human experience. And marriage is how most of us will experience the bulk of it in our lives.
That’s why it’s so critical to overall happiness. But it’s also full of ups and downs, as our chart clearly shows:
The early dip in relationship satisfaction is normal, especially in the first few years of marriage. Don’t panic if that’s you. (I know, you’re asking for a friend.)
Most importantly, keep in mind that those who stay married report being happier later in life.
If you can stay together, resolve conflict, and view each other as positively as possible, you’ll reap the benefits.
Then again, people are often happier in second marriages, especially women. Sooo…there’s that.
Don’t tell wifey.